Excuse my Mess

My home church, GraceSpring Bible Church, asked us to start January off by considering a word or phrase that we felt defined our coming year of 2012.

We were supposed to write our word on a piece of paper to put up on the wall so everyone’s would be together, but I hesitated.  I felt like mine might be a bit misunderstood.  Because generally speaking, my word isn’t spiritual.  It’s not pretty.  It’s not even cute, clear, or clean.  (Though it is fairly concise!)

My word for the year ahead is… “MESSY”.

No, I’m not hoping to become a messy eater, to have a messiER teacher desk in my classroom, or find the messiest ways to cook dinner.  (Although I have it on good authority that the best cooks make the biggest messes!).  Rather, I feel like God is encouraging me to let go of my control in some areas of my life, even in ways that mean things might get a little, well, messy.

Messy in terms of my life not being planned out.  Messy in terms of being ok with not knowing the future.  Messy meaning I don’t have pat answers, I don’t know how everything is going to work, and I don’t have a set system for everything I do.  Messy in terms of telling everyone “I’m leaving for Tanzania in June!” while wondering how it’s all actually going to work out.

Messy like being a little kid who is playing and enjoying myself, instead of hoping I can make all the details fit on a color-coded excel spreadsheet plan for my life.  Messy like popping balloons with kids and sharing stories I hope they’ll like while we pray for people in Tanzania they’ve never met.  Or bouncing around like a crazy person for a worship song dance party with the girls down the street as we make pancakes.  Or making decisions on the fly as I travel across the country in a car.

Messy in terms of being ok with letting my guard down, not worrying so much about how people perceive me, and trusting God to help me just be myself in the midst of daily life.  Messy like working through tough times and letting things be “strewn all over the place” in my life for awhile, instead of constantly trying to “clean up” the messy pieces, make firm plans, and ensure everything is pretty and proper.  Messy in terms of not being sure of how to share my passions and dreams and heart for teaching MKs, but choosing to do it anyway.  Messy like getting to a new place to visit with people, and having all my plans fall apart… and having to trust that God has a plan for it all even though I wonder why I’m there. 

Messy in not knowing what the future holds (did I mention that already?).  And trusting that God is in control even when it looks... messy.

So… I hope you can excuse the mess.  I have no idea when it’ll be finished.  God hasn’t given me a timeline for when things will be back to being neat, tidy, pretty, and clear-cut in-a-box.  Probably… never.

And I’m learning to be ok with that.